April 30, 2013

Student: "I have been trying to go out with her since the beginning of the year." Teacher: "Why don’t you just ask her out?" Student: "Because she is popular and [pause] hot."

April 29, 2013

"I need to present today, I am so nervous and when I have to present. I can’t play baseball when I am nervous and I have a game today. I will throw up. In fact, I will make myself throw up, right by your desk, a burrito with guacamole, that crappy guacamole that comes in a bag if you don’t let me present today."

April 26, 2013

"Only one minute to go to the bathroom? Impossible. Hey, how many people in here can poop in one minute or less?"

April 25, 2013

"She used gum to make the gauze stick on her knee so it wouldn't fall off after she cut her knee."

April 24, 2013

"Wasn't Will Smith a famous abolitionist?"

April 23, 2013

"Check out my Walkman, it has two places to connect headphones and I can wear it on my belt and listen to music and the principal can't make me stop because the rule says no ipods. Sucker."

April 22, 2013

Student: "I hate health class. I absolutely hate health class." Teacher: "Why?" Student: "Because when I get embarrassed I get super hot and turn really red." Teacher: "What was so embarrassing?" Student II: "Whenever anyone talks about genital herpes it's embarrassing."

April 18, 2013

"I spent most of my time in class today cutting a window into the front of my binder."

April 17, 2013

"Do judges wear clothes under their black robes?"

April 16, 2013

"I think it's funny that at track we have to wear track uniforms that if we wore them to school we'd get expelled."

April 15, 2013

"The state of Wyoming is like the Costco of Fireworks. I mean Pyro-world, it is the best."

April 12, 2013

"Some people have such high expectations of themselves they are constantly stressed out and disappointed. Not me, I have such low expectations of myself I am rarely disappointed."

April 11, 2013

April 10, 2013

"They live in the country. Like country, country, like country roads take me home country."

April 9, 2013

"Can I go in the hall now, a preemptive strike if you will, so I don’t get sent out there later?"

April 8, 2013

"Maybe if she moved to Sudan for the rest of her life I'd like her."

April 5, 2013

"I put a crawdad on my nipple once."

April 4, 2013

"Should I wear a fedora tomorrow? I have some pretty sweet fedoras."

April 2, 2012

"Firstly, Andrew Jackson lead the country with a strong rule. He made sure that America wasn’t spiraling out of control while he was serving his term of pregnancy."